I just want you to know who i am
by HeadIsInTheClouds
Summary: just a song fic for Kel and joren i haven't sumbitted anything for ages, so i may have lost my touch...not that i once had any. feel free to tell me.


a/n: yer well I dunno. I liked the song, and was feeling very emotional last night. So I chucked in some kel/Joren angst…for a change…lol. Ok this song is Iris by the Goo Good dolls. Download it!...the leagal way. Most of this doesn't belong to me bla bla you get the gist. Ok, go for it:

_And I'd give up forever to touch you_

Kel glanced at the blond hair, tanned shoulders then prepared herself for the blow. She hit the wall and then pushed herself off it. She threw her own punch, which landed squarely on his jaw. His head twisted sickenly and blood flecked his chin. Vinson grabbed her shoulders and held her against the wall.

_'Cause I know that you feel me somehow_

Her vision swayed as she struggled blood roaring, muscles screaming. She saw the white, the face, the red lips, the blood. He stepped up and punched her in the stomach; she crumpled and gasped, sagging against her holder, to her utter shame. He grabbed her chin in his hand, held it close to his face, his eyes clear. She felt blood wobble and trickle from her mouth. Suddenly a crack, a flash of green. Neal. She fell forward as Vinson ran. Hands gripped her and tried to pick her up, she shoved them off. Kel got up faced Neal, then turned slowly. She walked off, leaning on the wall. Her hand left a red smear on the sandstone and she let out a wail. He tried to follow but then, another sob so pained he flinched and waited till she turned the corner. 

_You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
_she had dreams. Not night mares. The flowing hair, the grey eyes. And his hand, calloused but warm, searching for her, pulling her forwards.

_And I don't want to go home right now_

She wouldn't go, or leave. That would give him what he wanted. She must prove to him that she is strong, too strong for him. Maybe then…

_And all I can taste is this moment_

She felt the blood on her lip, and the metallic taste in her mouth. A reminder. 

_And all I can breathe is your life_

If she stopped she could hear his words. Feel his breath on her neck and him pressed against her.

Only to search for a weak spot. A break in the wall. To crush her defenses.

_'Cause sooner or later it's over_

And then he'd pull back and swing. A blow would come as a muffled sound glowing clearer, until it exploded as a star burst. 

_I just don't want to miss you tonight_

She'll wait, to catch a glance, under the excuse of extra training. 

_And I don't want the world to see me_

She pauses in hall ways, waits for people to pass. She can't be seen like this. No.

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

Not many people did. Even Neal sometimes. She wondered about that boy. So smart, yet, so utterly clueless. Well it wasn't an obvious choice. But it wasn't a bad one. She stops again and waits, wiping blood from her mouth.

_  
When everything's made to be broken_

The lance shattered. And she fell. And she fell so far. So far down. She sagged against the wall and waited for the flash to pass.

_I just want you to know who I am_

She punched the mirror, the glass cracking satisfyingly under her fist. And then her cuts stung as salt reached her face and hands, to the floor. The mirror dropped and so did she.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
_she felt the squeeze at her throat. The water behind her eyes. The pull and tug.

_Or the moment of truth in your lies_

She saw something. In that face. Behind the insults. A small quiver. A hesitation. A shudder, a flinch. A pause…

_  
When everything feels like the movies_

And it was _so_ predictable, that he didn't know. Know-one _did._ Atlast her room. Oh, poor little room. She cried out again feeling sorry for everything except herself. Because that was Kel. _  
_

_And you bleed just to know you're alive_

She didn't see the infirmary. Why would she. The pain sometimes broke it. And They wondered why? Who_ were_ they?__

And I don't want the world to see me  
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am

She stopped. Then stepped outside her room, down the hall way past a door, a corridor, round a corner. Then sunlight. She was out. And she breathed in, felt a small thrill because the sky hurt her eyes and she could escape. __

And I don't want the world to see me

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
_there he was. Standing with his back to her. She walked faster, giving a wide birth around him and stopped when she though she was safe. Then she heard footsteps. Not again. She pressed on, he could not see her.

_When everything's made to be broken_

Finally, she turned to face him. Her heart pulled her down. The sharp wrench made her gasp inwardly and her legs began to quiver. She straightened and placed a hand over her chest, stepping backwards.

_I just want you to know who I am_

He stepped towards her, catching up. The smile slowly disappearing. And he came closer. She could not keep going backwards. She felt a wall and pressed herself into it. _Not again_.__

And I don't want the world to see me

He stepped up, she heard the gravel crunch under his heel. _No, not again_. And he held her chin._  
_

_'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
_she slapped him, his head twisted.

_When everything's made to be broken_

His newly healed lip split, and there was the red and the white. The hard wall. _Not again.  
_

_I just want you to know who I am  
_Again he held her face, bringing his closer; she watched the blood from his mouth and felt his breath on her neck. He kissed her._  
_

_I just want you to know who I am_

Again. _  
I just want you to know who I am_

Again._  
I just want you to know who I am_

Again.

That strange metallic taste. A reminder.


End file.
